You’ve probably seen it. It may have even happened to you.
Two people meet. They’re physically attracted to each other and va va va voom.. it’s love at first sight and the two people get married. Only to find out that they aren’t compatible. This revelation usually leads to divorce.
Are there lessons to be learned from this? Yes, and here they are.
1) When you first meet someone and everything is new, it’s natural that interacting with them awakens your senses. This happens with anything that is new. But once it become familiar, the novelty wears off and so does the excitement that goes along with novelty. Think of a kid with a new toy and the same kid with the same toy a few months later.
Maybe this was the case with you and your ex or ex-to-be. If it was, don’t beat yourself up over your separation because, sorry to say, the odds were kind of against you if sexual attraction was all you shared.
2) Not all couples (or people) are compatible. Of course it’s best to figure this out before you get married, but if you didn’t, remember it for the future.
3) Familiarity is a funny thing. Even though it can lead to decreased physical excitement, going beyond the physical and getting to really KNOW your partner can lead to more intimacy. While people who have been married for a long time might not say it this way, when you observe them you see that they really do KNOW each other.
This leads us to think that sex therapist David Schnarch is right on in saying that instead of searching for validation (I do this and that for him or her and he or she never notices, or says thank you, or always criticizes me, or, or, or) people should seek to be KNOWN by their partner and to get to KNOW their parter.
And since people change and grow and there is something to always learn about your partner, there is aways novelty and thus excitement.
This level intimacy may have not existed in your last relationship, but that doesn’t mean it can’t exist in your next one.