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Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

Frenzy is an emotional state, a feeling of being a little (or a lot) out of control. It is often underpinned by anxiety, sadness, anger, and related emotions.

— Train Your Brain to Focus (www.blogs.hbr.org)

It’s only natural for someone going through a divorce or separation to feel like this at times. When those times come, acknowledge the existence of the negative emotion and they try to find ways throughout your day to balance your negative emotions with positive ones. To do this you can try exercising, meditating, and being mindful of the good and beautiful things around you. Do you have a favorite street? Then walk down it. A favorite scent? Spritz in on. Find ways to laugh. Use your senses to get out of yourself and appreciate the world around you.

And then notice what triggers those frenzy attacks. When you feel one coming on, treat it like you would a headache.

  1. Acknowledge that it’s there;
  2. Take a deep breath;
  3. Balance it with the positive; and
  4. Let it go.
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Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.

— Arnold Schwarzenegger

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Bee seeks flower for intimate relationship

Bee seeks flower for intimate relationship (Photo credit: ZaraBaxter)

You’ve probably seen it. It may have even happened to you.

Two people meet. They’re physically attracted to each other and va va va voom.. it’s love at first sight and the two people get married. Only  to find out that they aren’t compatible. This revelation usually leads to divorce.

Are there lessons to be learned from this? Yes, and here they are.

1) When you first meet someone and everything is new, it’s natural that interacting with them awakens your senses. This happens with anything that is new. But once it become familiar, the novelty wears off and so does the excitement that goes along with novelty. Think of a kid with a new toy and the same kid with the same toy a few months later.

Maybe this was the case with you and your ex or ex-to-be. If it was, don’t beat yourself up over your separation because, sorry to say, the odds were kind of against you if sexual attraction was all you shared.

2) Not all couples  (or people) are compatible. Of course it’s best to figure this out before you get married, but if you didn’t, remember it for the future.

3) Familiarity is a funny thing. Even though it can lead to decreased physical excitement, going beyond the physical and getting to really KNOW your partner can lead to more intimacy. While people who have been married for a long time might not say it this way, when you observe them you see that they really do KNOW each other.

This leads us to think that sex therapist David Schnarch is right on in saying  that instead of searching for validation (I do this and that for him or her and he or she never notices, or says thank you, or always criticizes me, or, or, or) people should seek to be KNOWN by their partner and to get to KNOW their parter.

And since people change and grow and there is something to always learn about your partner, there is aways novelty and thus excitement.

This level intimacy may have not existed in your last relationship, but that doesn’t mean it can’t exist in your next one.

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Grace Hightower De Niro, wife of Robert, or Bobby as some may say, stopped by (Katie Couric’s talk show) to talk about her marriage – and how she met the award-winning actor.

“What is your secret to a happy, long lasting marriage?” Katie asked.

“I would say a lot of give and take, standing your ground, because then you keep the respect you started out with,” Grace said.

The pair have been together for 21 years…..

From “Katie”

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Personal Budget Plan

Personal Budget Plan (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Divorce creates the need to gather and track lots of financial information.

  • Your assets make up one set of financials.
  • Your expenses as you go through the divorce make up another. These may include money that you’ve spent on expenses the you should not have paid.
  • A final set may be based on the budget you may create.

This means that there’s going to be lots of numbers and papers floating around. How do you keep track of all this necessary paperwork during a time when you have so much other things to deal with?

Well some of you may already be using a spreadsheet to track the numbers. Still, you have to take the time to put everything in.

And then some of you may be scanning receipts and other financial documents to keep them all on one place, but you still have to take the time to enter numbers into your spreadsheet.

Wouldn’t it be great if you all you had to do was scan and then have the data automatically be converted to your Excel spreadsheet?

Well, there is — with a PDF to Excel converter.

Now we just heard about this and haven’t tried it ourselves. But it sounds like a great productivity tool and a good way to keep track of all of the financial data that can play a big role in the divorce process.

It seems as if you can buy these converters or get free ones online.

Have any of you tried this type of product? What tools do you use to keep track of financial data?

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You know, you hear people talking about how important it is to not only have a vision of what you want, but to also see yourself doing whatever it is you want to do. We think (and others say) that it’s because when you imagine yourself having your vision, it becomes real and you really believe that you can have it, or achieve it, or whatever it is that your vision encompasses.

This is important for you as you go through the period of uncertainty and transition that separation and divorce entail.

And if you have children, it is even more important.

Because who do (or should) children look up to more than their parents? If they see lost parents, what do you think their reality is going to be, both now and in the future when they face setbacks?

If, however, they see their parents moving forward beyond their fear to a positive place,  just think how good it will be for them.

So even if you’re having problems finding that positive vision for you, find it for your children. Everyone will benefit.

How has having positive visions helped you cope with change?

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Hi. We’re back. We’ve been away working on a course for Business Analysts ( http://www.thebaskillsclub.com/).

When I (Tracy) got divorced, a group of my friends were getting divorced around the same time. I noticed this and concluded that it was because all of my friends and I were independent women and when we got married, expectations seemed to change.

But could it be that something else was going on? Could it be that divorce is contagious? According to a study done by Rose McDermott (Brown University), James H. Fowler (UC San Diego), and Nicholas Christakis (Harvard Medical School), divorce could indeed “spread through a social network like a rumor, affecting friends up to two degrees removed.”

According to the study, people who are friends of someone who is divorced are 75% more likely to get a divorce themselves and those who are friends with someone who is a friend of someone who got divorced are 33% more likely to get a divorce themselves.

Here’s the abstract from the paper, “Breaking UP is Hard to Do, Unless Everyone Else is Doing it Too: Social Network Effects on Divorce in a Longitudinal Sample.”

Abstract:      

Divorce represents the dissolution of a social tie, but it is also possible that attitudes about divorce flow across social ties. To explore how social networks influence divorce and vice versa, we exploit a longitudinal data set from the long-running Framingham Heart Study. The results suggest that divorce can spread between friends. Clusters of divorces extend to two degrees of separation in the network. Popular people are less likely to get divorced, divorcees have denser social networks, and they are much more likely to remarry other divorcees. Interestingly, the presence of children does not influence the likelihood of divorce, but each child reduces the susceptibility to being influenced by peers who get divorced. Overall, the results suggest that attending to the health of one’s friends’ marriages may serve to support and enhance the durability of one’s own relationship, and that, from a policy perspective, divorce should be understood as a collective phenomenon that extends beyond those directly affected.
To tell you the truth, we don’t find the results all that surprising. Divorce is much more acceptable when others are in the same boat. My family members knew about my friends who were getting or had gotten a divorce. So my divorce wasn’t an embarrassment, if you know what I mean. In fact, all of our mothers said basically the same thing, “At least you had a nice wedding.”
Also, misery loves company. So toxic friends can easily drag others down.
What can you learn from this if you’re heading down this road?
1) Maybe think about why you’re getting divorced. Is there a real reason behind it or does it just seem like an easy solution based on what you are seeing around you do. I mean, would you jump off a bridge just because everyone around you is doing it?
2) Take a look at your divorced friends who may be egging you on. Are they really looking after your best interest or do they just want you to join the club?
If either one of these rings true, then maybe you should just work on your marriage. Anything worth having requires effort.

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