Now, a topic dear to our hearts. What makes most of us happier than saving money? Money and happiness are forever intertwined in the American psyche. [Among my mother's major moral teachings to her children was the never-to-be-broken, "Never buy retail!"--we would suffer indignities, possibly the poorhouse--and, of course, unhappiness at the error of our ways.]

Well, according to Money magazine’s July 2005 edition, an average mediation costs between $3,000-$10,000 (usually on the lower end), split between the two parties equally. By contrast, litigated divorces, with one attorney on each side, average $35,000, and, if you take it all the way to the courthouse, extra costs range between $20,000-$50,000.

Now there are other priceless savings including:

• Saving the relationship with your soon-t0-be ex which is especially important if you will have to deal with this person in the future; and
• Saving your children from having to go the experience of going through an adversarial divorce. Because in the end, research shows that it’s not necessarily divorce that leaves a negative mark on the children, but how their parent handle the situation.

Read the original article…

No, it didn’t make us cry by conjuring up memories of our own past break ups. It left us wondering whether the advice given applied to everyone.

Take the statement  by  Anna Jane Grossman who wrote It’s Not Me, It’s You, “We love someone in part because he or she reflects things we like about ourselves. So it can cause a pretty good bruise if a person who once loved you announces there’s no longer anything likable about you…”

This may be true for some, but what about the saying “opposites attract.” There are people who chose partners because they are different. The partner makes them “feel complete” because they represent something that the person wants for themselves or appreciates, but is missing. It could be that the person always wanted to be an artist and bam…they end up with an artist.

If that’s the case, we think that the advice to get back “into the dating scene as soon as you can” is not going to do you much good. You’ll be walking around like a zombie looking for someone to bring you to life. Okay, maybe zombies can’t be brought back to life, but you know what we mean. What kind of life is that? And what kind of relationship will you end up with?

Instead, why not use this opportunity to become what you’re looking for in others? You’ll become stronger and when you finally do meet someone, because you will, you’ll be on equal footing. Knowing that you are already “complete” will allow you to behave totally differently.

Now you may be thinking that this brings us back to hooking up with someone like you. But the group of people we’re talking about will still be attracted to difference. The differences just won’t be elements that “complete” them. They’ll be more like the cherry on the top of an already yummy dessert.

Now of course, one has to consider where the article appeared — on Match.com, but we found it on Yahoo’s Homepage. Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Oh, all wasn’t debatable in our opinion. The following advice is right on:

1. Honor your feelings; don’t deny them.
2. Take stock of what happened and examine your beliefs pertaining to it as well as your own behavior. Be relentlessly truthful.
3. Own what actually happened. Take responsibility for your reality and use it as a gift to help you learn about you. We know our intention by what we have. So, on some level, it was intention on your part that led to the breakup.

Want to read the original article? Here it is — Rebound 101.

From Six-Word Memoirs - O Magazine Mini Memoirs - Oprah.com

The questions were answered by Lili A. Vasileff, a certified divorce financial analyst and president of the Association of Divorce Financial Planners.

The repost (below) is Part 1 of a weekly series that spanned three weeks. The series is rather long, so we’ll be posting Part 2 next Wednesday and Part 3 the following Wednesday. If you don’t want to wait, you can find the original post here and go from there.

Two years ago, my spouse asked for a divorce to end our 30-year marriage and then retracted. I trusted. Now the divorce is on again. The spouse is a business owner who, I believe, is using the cloak of recession to nose dive his earnings. Can this tactic work?

This recession has afforded many individuals the opportunity to take advantage of the “perfect storm” and file for divorce based on depressed asset values and earnings decline.

A business owner has more variables at his discretion to manage from an actual accounting standpoint than a W-2 wage earner. It is so often the case in divorce that a business owner suddenly claims business is not doing well that there is name for this “syndrome,” jokingly referred to as RAIDS: Recently Acquired Income Deficiency.

If the spouse’s intent is to present an exaggerated distressed snapshot of business, and he has had a possible two years to premeditate the divorce, one must closely scrutinize the genuine facts. Separate the economy from his business patterns; examine front-loading of expenses and deferral of income; track cash flows versus accounting accruals; compare historical, cyclical business patterns with the events of this current year.

Additionally, look to his personal nature. Has his lifestyle spending changed at all? Does he seem genuinely concerned about his own future earnings capacity? Has he expressed concern about business to any friends, relatives or colleagues? Would he be willing to build in contingency planning in a divorce negotiation should business begin to recover and flourish – to allow you to participate in an upside benefit as well, without fighting legally for it in the future?

These may be just some elements of a litmus test you could use to uncover reality versus facade.

As you watch the boomer generation move toward retirement into a slowed economy, what do you expect to see in divorce trends for that cohort, and what sorts of creative financial solutions can you suggest?

The irony is that while money worries have caused a surge in couples looking to divorce, many discover they must postpone divorce and stay together until finances stabilize.

Divorcing baby boomers who have enjoyed long-term marriages face the fact that their earning capacity is now finite, and marital assets have limited time to recoup value while further contributions seem limited. Meanwhile, the marital residence, typically the largest asset, is taking longer to sell at a much reduced price.

Many boomers are simply deferring divorce, or divorcing but living under the same roof, to afford expenses while waiting to sell their houses. “Divorced but living together” in the lonely hearts column is becoming increasingly common.

When a divorced or estranged couple must live together under one roof because of financial circumstances, it’s obviously complicated. Psychological stress, disputes and confusion about how to handle daily expenses, social etiquette and overnight guests put many at risk of domestic violence.

Creative solutions can come about only when both parties push past the emotional frustrations of not being able to achieve a clean break from each other. These couples will have to set realizable goals like selling the house, paying off credit card debts, refinancing loans, maximizing cash flow from pay checks, swapping assets (e.g. who needs liquidity now versus future monthly stream of income), cutting off financial support to adult children, converting I.R.A.’s to Roth I.R.A.’s if tax advantageous and reconsidering part-time employment.

Making every dollar count is paramount moving into retirement when divided by two in divorce.

• Put your emotions on the back burner;
• Maintain your cool under pressure;
• Keep a healthy picture of the future; and
• Educate yourself about the process and your finances,

but your soon-to-be ex doesn’t, the process is still going to be a nightmare.

And the other two traits:

• Delegating; and
• Staying organized,

are traits that will definitely help both parties keep their wits about them.

So our advice to you is, not only try to adopt these traits if you don’t already have them, but somehow also make sure that your estranged partner knows the value of them too.

Source: The Six Personal Traits That Help Women Successfully Survive Divorce

One of the biggest financial battles that can occur during a divorce is over who gets what was once the family home. I know, I know, we’ve posted articles on this before, but it still remains a big issue so we’re looking at it again from a slightly different angle.

In the past we’ve warned people that that they may get the family home, only to discover that they really can’t afford it. There’s another situation that could arise, however. In this scenario, both couples decide to sell, but are still saddled with problems. In this housing market, when the prices of houses are dropping, the former couple may be forced to take a loss. Or, in the case where one person is still in the house, problems may “crop up” that delay the sale of the house.

Don’t believe that these things can happen? Well check out this article from the pages of Myrtle Beach Online.

Dothan, AL (PRWEB) January 31, 2012

Because January has been International Child-Centered Divorce Month, Divorce Tool Box founder and Certified Divorce and Family Mediator Audrey Silcox offers 8 tips good for any month to help parents keep focused on their children before and after a divorce. Her extensive experience in high-conflict cases within the judicial system has shown that parents who do so are much more successful at transitioning into the life of co-parenting. With over a million children affected by divorce in the U.S. each year, Silcox says that child-centered divorce is vital for parents, their children, and society as a whole, both now and in the future.

Read more…

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If men would consider not so much wherein they differ, as wherein they agree, there would be far less of uncharitableness and angry feeling in the world.

- Joseph Addison 

Today’s piece of advice might be too late if you are already separated. But life goes on. There will be a next time around.

Now you might already know what comes next because it may have caused problems in your last relationship. Maybe it wasn’t a problem, but just because you and you ex were financially compatible doesn’t mean you can spot someone you’re compatible with just like that.

People don’t go around talking about their debt. Nowadays it may be a bit different as people unite in moaning about the cost of living and how their buying power is going down, down, down… But in general, they don’t talk about the school loans they have, they don’t talk about whether or not they pay their bills on time. They don’t talk about how they’ll feel when you spend money that they think needs to be saved. They don’t talk about how they’ve handled tough financial situations in the past.

I mean, do you go around talking about these things?

You don’t want to sit and interview your next honey as if they were a contestant on the Dating Game. But you do want to look for signals that the two of you are compatible.

• Can you talk about money without fighting?
• Do they use money to control you?
• What’s their credit report like? Really. If they have bad credit and you have good credit you don’t want them to bring you down.
• Do they pay bills on time?
• If times get tough will they buckle down and save money or work harder if necessary? Or will they run? There are people who leave when the money is gone. For better or for worse didn’t have much meaning for them.

If you two are really serious about each other, you should be able to talk to them about money. Because if you don’t feel comfortable taking to them now, your next chance might in divorce court.